Conundrums.

I am sitting in the library. I’m three (ish) weeks from my college graduation. There’s a woman speaking Russian behind me. I had a delicious dinner. Caitlin bought us study treats. I have plans for Friday night, or at least, tenative plans. I have an internship if I want it, and million opportunities that God simply has yet to reveal.

But I’m sitting here, and I could burst into tears. I read an old friend’s blog and I miss him. I miss him so much. But it’s not just him. Robb, yes, is very important to me, no matter how much we laugh about him since he’s been gone. But I miss more than just him. I miss the times when I was just a college student with endless dreams of changing the world. I want to return to the first days of dating Twaan when it was fresh and exciting. Or even the days spent at his house last year, crying on the floor from stress and fear but knowing comfort. I miss running every day, I miss being wanted by others. It has been a long time since I have felt known or understood.

The lights in the library are glaring overhead. I should be doing homework. I ought to savor my education the way that I hypocritically claim others do not. Instead, I am just sitting here, staring at a computer screen full of webpages, documents, and nearly endless possibilities.

I feel like the existentialist was right. I’m floundering in the tension of finitude and the infinite. I’ve gone too far in one direction and now I’m drowning in despair that comes from failing to maintain the balance. The trouble is, I don’t know which end of the spectrum I ran towards, and I don’t know when or how. I only know that I did it at break-neck speed, becuase I don’t remember the journey, I just know that I am here.

Maybe the weekend will cheer me up. We’re going backpacking. Maybe the time spent away will introduce me to God, remind me of who I am and where my identity comes from. I’m left alone so much, even in a crowd, and I can never seem to find God when I’m looking. But maybe with the rushing river, the green haze between the trees and ferns, maybe the crystal of the water and the ethereal feeling one experiences when standing in a cloud and watching it pass over mountains, maybe that will show me God again.

In the meantime. I’m trying to remember the good time of this past year and realize that I have come to a new place, and I am doing much better. And I am working to remember those times without this “if only” perspective that does nothing but damage me and my relationships. Perhaps, as Peter Bohler suggested to John Wesley, I should preach faith until I have it… I should act and live as though things were as I wished, and I felt the way that I long for.

 

Soto Ayam and Bapak Wally

Last night I went down to Kent with Twaan. It was good, despite the mishap of getting lost and me being really angry with Twaan’s mad back seat driving skills. He was just trying to be helpful, becuase sometimes I get stressed in traffic (in an unfamiliar, borrowed car). But it had the opposite effect. Not to mention I have just been grumpy for the last 5 days, at least.

But Kent, Kent itself was wonderful. We went to see Indo people. I met Uncle Wally for the first time. We were headed for the back door, and Uncle Wally threw open the front door, calling “Tony!” We made a hard left turn, marched up the steps and straight into the arms of the most famous missionary I know. He gave me a hug, even though we hadn’t met yet. He said he feels like he already knows me, he’s heard so much from Barb (anthony’s mom). And then we went inside to join at least thirty other people eating Soto Ayam, drinking some koolaid-punch-beverage, and sitting or standing all over the house.

This is what I love about the Indo people. We were half an hour late, and Wally ignored my apology as though it had never occurred to him. People smiled and shook my hand, people hugged me and knew who I was, and some of them were excited to meet me. There was so much food, and it was still coming off the stove. There were greetings in other languages, and kisses and lots of laughter. It was like one big happy family reunion.

Except, it wasn’t just like a reunion. It was a family coming back together, even though we didn’t know half of them and some hadn’t been seen for years. This is why I miss missionaries. Because I miss having family and feeling at home in a place I’ve never been.

 

It’s a New Year!

Hello out there!

It’s a New Year, and my computer is running slower than ever.

Break was wonderful, I spent most of it in Colorado, but about a week was spent with Anthony’s family traveling around the Northwest. It was so great and relaxing–just what my heart and mind needed. I certianly wasn’t ready to come back to university and start back up with classes and homework again.

Colorado was a time of real healing and confirmation in a lot of ways. I was supposed to work a bunch, but that ended up not working out, for various reasons. Obviously, God wanted me to take a break, and learn to trust him to provide for my needs financially. I had a lot of time to knit, read books, drink lots of hot chocolate, and just spend time with my family. It was exactly what I needed, and I didn’t even realize it. I love my parents even more than I already did, and I realize how blessed I am to have such a good relationship with both of them.

The Northwest was a lot more activity, but still very good. Anthony and I had some time to ourselves, usually on walks or drives through the cute downtown of the area we stayed. But we also had a lot of time with all of his family, and that was good too. Plenty of card games, some Wii fit, and movies all made for a really good time getting to know people better.

Overall, the people I spent break with meant a lot to me. They were incredibly affirming, something I didn’t realize I was lacking in until four weeks ago. It was a huge blessing to be surrounded by people who cared about me, and to be encouraged a lot in my relationship with Anthony–it can be awkward being the only couple in our group of friends.

I don’t have much else to say. I’m back at the grindstone. I’m researching again this quarter, taking a heavy load, mentoring for a freshmen class, and trying to maintain relationships even as I’m prepping for graduation this year. break was a very encouraging time, a really boost which I think I needed to get me through the next couple of quarters.

I love you all. I hope that your New Year is full of blessings and laughter.

sara

 

Prayer Request

Hi all.

school is going well. I just got back from yet another awesome trip to Vancouver. This one was just for two nights, which is obviously very disappointing. I always want it to be longer. But it was still AMAZING becuause my best friend flew in to visit her brother and sister in law (Twaan was the best man in their wedding) so it’s a super small world, and it was wonderful to see her.

it’s been hard coming back. I am struggling with things at my apartment. I’m also having a hard time with God/Christianity. I just feel like I am surrounded by hypocrites (myself included). It makes me want to drop this whole faith thing and move on. I’m not going to, obviously. I still love Abba and Jesus and I think that everything the Lord does is great. But I am still incredibly frustrated by the church, and all of the failures. We have lots of holy books on the shelves of my apartment and yet, I feel like none of it has impacted us.

it is driving me NUTS.

I’ve also had some roller coaster emotional days and am having a difficult time controlling my thought life. Basically, I’m exhausted and feel all over the place emotionally. I want even my internal thought life to bring glory to God, and lately, I’m pretty sure it’s falling quite short of that.

on the sunny side of the street, Twaan and one of his roommates and I have decided to get together on a regular basis and talk about spiritual stuff. We are also going to attend Prayer and Communion every Friday monring together. I’m really excited for this. I already felt better tonight after hanging out with them once. See? It’s amazing the things that God can do in one evening. Glory be.

 

The lights of ballard, fremont and wallingford

are all outside my window.

I haven’t much to say. Portland was fun. We stayed with Caleb and Kat and helped them pack up. And then we moved them in to Jared and Teresa’s. These are the kinds of people that I love. Jared and Teresa have taken Kat and Caleb in for a few months. Then, Josh and Jonathon are in between leases so they have moved in for 10 days. Jana is coming to visit in a couple weeks, and of course, Twaan and I will be back down for that.

All the while Teresa makes chocolate dipped strawberries in the kitchen and delicious chocolate chip scones. I even get scolded for doing dishes.

This is generosity. And hospitality.

Classes started up a couple days ago. It’s been okay. I like them all, it’s just a really random mix. My Marxism class is a strange group of philosophy, sociology, psych, sociology, latin american studies, business, and, oh yeah, the token polisci majors. Like me. What? How did that happen?

Tonight I had an “intense dark mocha” with a shot of hazelnut. Twaan brought it to me, after I called him. I was having a bad night, and my wonderful pacar came all the way down the hill to me. He took me to the canal, gave me delicious coffee from Tully’s and sat with me as we watched a tug boat push a barge down through the black water.

Now it is late. Nick just left, after a nearly completed crossword. I’m listening to Celtic music, and the sound of Kelsie texting. And I can see all of ballard, the canal, fremont, and wallingford from our windows. Today is a better day. Or a better night, after a rollercoaster day.

Thanks to Jesus.

Thanks to Twaan.

(And thanks to Will, and his delicious mochas…)

 

You Know? I kind of like the exercise-ball-as-chair-phenomenon

It’s true. It’s starting to grow on me. Not to mention all these nifty exercises that Kelsie taught me. Which is handy, because my normal situps just weren’t hurting enough recently. But these moves on the exercise ball, well, they really help me satiate my masochistic tendencies. Ha.

Anyway. Nothing to say, I’m just really trying to make good on the promise to update. I’m thinking that once classes actually start, I will probably only post once a week. None of this three posts a week nonesense. That simply won’t do when I have things going on other grocery shopping and a million emails for MuKappa.

I’m leaving tomorrow for Portland/Vancouver. I”m excited, but also really nervous. Would you mind praying? I’m nervous for lots of reasons. A. I’m always a bit nervous about new modes of transportation. I’m taking the bus to meet Twaan before we catch the train down. I’ll just feel better once I meet up with him downtown. B. I’m nervous to spend this much concentrated time with all of Twaan’s friends. Granted, I actually know two of them from Colorado–but those are actually the ones who make me most nervous. C. I’ve been doing much better lately at this whole relationship thing, but I still have moments where I freak out about commitment and long term things. I feel like this being the third trip to Portland/Vancouver says something about me being committed. Don’t get me wrong–I am. But things in the future still make me nervous. (Like: oh my gosh. I have to get a job and be responsible and be on my own this time next year. hello? this realization=terrifying)

so if you’ll pray that God would just give me peace and encouragement for all these things, that would be great. We’ve been doing pretty good, me and God. I’m more trusting lately, and I don’t freak as much. But still. I have moments. (I guess we all do, though)