Conundrums.

I am sitting in the library. I’m three (ish) weeks from my college graduation. There’s a woman speaking Russian behind me. I had a delicious dinner. Caitlin bought us study treats. I have plans for Friday night, or at least, tenative plans. I have an internship if I want it, and million opportunities that God simply has yet to reveal.

But I’m sitting here, and I could burst into tears. I read an old friend’s blog and I miss him. I miss him so much. But it’s not just him. Robb, yes, is very important to me, no matter how much we laugh about him since he’s been gone. But I miss more than just him. I miss the times when I was just a college student with endless dreams of changing the world. I want to return to the first days of dating Twaan when it was fresh and exciting. Or even the days spent at his house last year, crying on the floor from stress and fear but knowing comfort. I miss running every day, I miss being wanted by others. It has been a long time since I have felt known or understood.

The lights in the library are glaring overhead. I should be doing homework. I ought to savor my education the way that I hypocritically claim others do not. Instead, I am just sitting here, staring at a computer screen full of webpages, documents, and nearly endless possibilities.

I feel like the existentialist was right. I’m floundering in the tension of finitude and the infinite. I’ve gone too far in one direction and now I’m drowning in despair that comes from failing to maintain the balance. The trouble is, I don’t know which end of the spectrum I ran towards, and I don’t know when or how. I only know that I did it at break-neck speed, becuase I don’t remember the journey, I just know that I am here.

Maybe the weekend will cheer me up. We’re going backpacking. Maybe the time spent away will introduce me to God, remind me of who I am and where my identity comes from. I’m left alone so much, even in a crowd, and I can never seem to find God when I’m looking. But maybe with the rushing river, the green haze between the trees and ferns, maybe the crystal of the water and the ethereal feeling one experiences when standing in a cloud and watching it pass over mountains, maybe that will show me God again.

In the meantime. I’m trying to remember the good time of this past year and realize that I have come to a new place, and I am doing much better. And I am working to remember those times without this “if only” perspective that does nothing but damage me and my relationships. Perhaps, as Peter Bohler suggested to John Wesley, I should preach faith until I have it… I should act and live as though things were as I wished, and I felt the way that I long for.

 

Prayer Request

Hi all.

school is going well. I just got back from yet another awesome trip to Vancouver. This one was just for two nights, which is obviously very disappointing. I always want it to be longer. But it was still AMAZING becuause my best friend flew in to visit her brother and sister in law (Twaan was the best man in their wedding) so it’s a super small world, and it was wonderful to see her.

it’s been hard coming back. I am struggling with things at my apartment. I’m also having a hard time with God/Christianity. I just feel like I am surrounded by hypocrites (myself included). It makes me want to drop this whole faith thing and move on. I’m not going to, obviously. I still love Abba and Jesus and I think that everything the Lord does is great. But I am still incredibly frustrated by the church, and all of the failures. We have lots of holy books on the shelves of my apartment and yet, I feel like none of it has impacted us.

it is driving me NUTS.

I’ve also had some roller coaster emotional days and am having a difficult time controlling my thought life. Basically, I’m exhausted and feel all over the place emotionally. I want even my internal thought life to bring glory to God, and lately, I’m pretty sure it’s falling quite short of that.

on the sunny side of the street, Twaan and one of his roommates and I have decided to get together on a regular basis and talk about spiritual stuff. We are also going to attend Prayer and Communion every Friday monring together. I’m really excited for this. I already felt better tonight after hanging out with them once. See? It’s amazing the things that God can do in one evening. Glory be.

 

Well well

It’s one of those days. Yeah for up and down emotions.

The good news is, according to Dr. Downing, we aren’t going to have another Great Depression. That was deflation. What we may (and probably will) experience will be inflation. Something more akin to the 1970’s.

 

The lights of ballard, fremont and wallingford

are all outside my window.

I haven’t much to say. Portland was fun. We stayed with Caleb and Kat and helped them pack up. And then we moved them in to Jared and Teresa’s. These are the kinds of people that I love. Jared and Teresa have taken Kat and Caleb in for a few months. Then, Josh and Jonathon are in between leases so they have moved in for 10 days. Jana is coming to visit in a couple weeks, and of course, Twaan and I will be back down for that.

All the while Teresa makes chocolate dipped strawberries in the kitchen and delicious chocolate chip scones. I even get scolded for doing dishes.

This is generosity. And hospitality.

Classes started up a couple days ago. It’s been okay. I like them all, it’s just a really random mix. My Marxism class is a strange group of philosophy, sociology, psych, sociology, latin american studies, business, and, oh yeah, the token polisci majors. Like me. What? How did that happen?

Tonight I had an “intense dark mocha” with a shot of hazelnut. Twaan brought it to me, after I called him. I was having a bad night, and my wonderful pacar came all the way down the hill to me. He took me to the canal, gave me delicious coffee from Tully’s and sat with me as we watched a tug boat push a barge down through the black water.

Now it is late. Nick just left, after a nearly completed crossword. I’m listening to Celtic music, and the sound of Kelsie texting. And I can see all of ballard, the canal, fremont, and wallingford from our windows. Today is a better day. Or a better night, after a rollercoaster day.

Thanks to Jesus.

Thanks to Twaan.

(And thanks to Will, and his delicious mochas…)

 

You Know? I kind of like the exercise-ball-as-chair-phenomenon

It’s true. It’s starting to grow on me. Not to mention all these nifty exercises that Kelsie taught me. Which is handy, because my normal situps just weren’t hurting enough recently. But these moves on the exercise ball, well, they really help me satiate my masochistic tendencies. Ha.

Anyway. Nothing to say, I’m just really trying to make good on the promise to update. I’m thinking that once classes actually start, I will probably only post once a week. None of this three posts a week nonesense. That simply won’t do when I have things going on other grocery shopping and a million emails for MuKappa.

I’m leaving tomorrow for Portland/Vancouver. I”m excited, but also really nervous. Would you mind praying? I’m nervous for lots of reasons. A. I’m always a bit nervous about new modes of transportation. I’m taking the bus to meet Twaan before we catch the train down. I’ll just feel better once I meet up with him downtown. B. I’m nervous to spend this much concentrated time with all of Twaan’s friends. Granted, I actually know two of them from Colorado–but those are actually the ones who make me most nervous. C. I’ve been doing much better lately at this whole relationship thing, but I still have moments where I freak out about commitment and long term things. I feel like this being the third trip to Portland/Vancouver says something about me being committed. Don’t get me wrong–I am. But things in the future still make me nervous. (Like: oh my gosh. I have to get a job and be responsible and be on my own this time next year. hello? this realization=terrifying)

so if you’ll pray that God would just give me peace and encouragement for all these things, that would be great. We’ve been doing pretty good, me and God. I’m more trusting lately, and I don’t freak as much. But still. I have moments. (I guess we all do, though)

 

Portland… Vancouver… that place on the border

Look, updating! I’m trying to make good on that promise!

Next week Twaan and I are going to Portland/Vancouver. We have friends that live down there. Jared and Teresa, who we’ll probably be staying with. And Caleb and Kat who we might help move depending on when exactly we do go down.

Vancouver/Portland is home to a lot of the missionaries from Indonesia. From Jared and Caleb as MK’s, to the Pust family, it’s like going down to see Twaan’s extended family. It’s feels even more so that way since the adults get called Aunt and Uncle. In Indonesia, it’s a sign of respect, and the missionaries adopted it.

I think we are (hopefully) going to hike Multnomah Falls. I’m looking forward to it. I saw it when we drove past in June on our way to Idaho. Even such a short glimpse was enough to make an impression, I love waterfalls, and these looked really pretty. It’s only a 1.2 mile hike, but we can go the extra 6 to the top of the “mountain.” We’ll see. I haven’t run since I’ve been back to Seattle, so I’m not sure how I’ll be feeling about 7.2 miles. (And now that I think of it, that might be one way too…)

Today is nothing exciting. If you are out there and you read this, please pray for me. There are three of us living in the apartment now, and it’s hard to not have someone feeling left out. Usually, it ends up being me. It’s actually quite exasperating, because these are two of my really good friends. But we just don’t always do very well as a threesome. Drives me nuts when I want this to work so well.

blessings.

oh! PS! I wrote a whole two paragraphs today! WOOHOO. I hadn’t written anything since June before today.

 

Well Hello Again

Look! I’m updating! And it’s been less than three months! jaja

Let’s see. there isn’t much to say. Christmas break has been nice. I’ve worked a bit so I’ve made some good money that will help pay for books and get me through this next quarter. I’ve also decided to work this quarter. It won’t be much, but enough to pay for textbooks for spring quarter, and enough money to pay for gas on our roadtrip down to Colorado, assuming that all works out.

I think it’s interesting how so often in my life, I don’t make much money, but God supplies just enough to get me by. Sometimes, it’s the exact amount that I need to pay books, or just the perfect bonus so I can buy myself a coat I had been admiring for a while, but lamenting the cost. Really, it’s pretty incredible. God is super good to me. I don’t even understand it.

But he’s also calling for something. I mean, he always has. And I’ve been pretty good at giving back. I’m sure I’ve been innaccurate now and then in my math. But I try to give Corinthians-style and do it sacrificially. Whatever that means each month. It’s always different. But now, he’s calling for more. And I don’t think it’s just money now. I keep getting all these messages, in a million places. Like the movie we watched while I was working Elevation Nursery this week. It was about giving God whatever you have, even if it isn’t much. Because he took two small fish and five loaves and he made a feast for five thousand. Or my dad telling me I need to Trust God a bit more. And Kelsie saying the same thing. And Sarah Barton. And I think I know what God wants me to give to him. In some ways.

I think he wants my future.

Which is strange to say, because he’s always had it. I mean, I’m working for him, right? So that was giving my future to him. But I think he wants it a bit more expansive than just my job. I mean, I thought about grad school, and seminary, and I thought that I would have time to burn, and I would work to support myself, and I would be fine. Because for so long, my decisions have really only affected me. (I mean that in a general sense. obviously my decisions always affect others) Now my choices affect not only me, but Anthony too. I mean, grad school is still a nice idea, but in some ways, it’s a bit out of the question now. And I am saving money now, not only for myself, but for the hope of a future.

and I have to give that hope to God too. Which is hard. Because God likes to take away, just as much as he likes to give. I know he loves to bless us. But often, that blessing can be expressed in the act of God retracting something from our lives. I don’t want that to happen here, and sometimes, I’m afraid of giving that hope to God. So he’s calling for that.

and he’s calling to take away  my worry.

and my money.

and my time.

and my burdens.

and my entire life.

which is so odd. Because I thought I had given it all over to him. I really had.

I think, I just took it back over time.

and now he’s holding out his hand, and asking if I’m going to give it back. Which I should. Because, really, he has a much bigger, broader, more holistic view of what the heck is going on in this psychotic world than I do. But I like my view! But he is taking that all away too.

He’s taking a lot isn’t he?

But then again, he isn’t really taking it.

He’s calling for it.

and slowly, ever so slowly, I’m giving it back.

es solo por mi cinta, no, es por anda cinta Dios. Aku cinta Dios.

and I need to stop combining multiple languages.

 

Well at least I’m doing something

I am learning quite a bit about patience this summer.

I have been kicking and screaming since about…April. Welcome to July dearheart. Welcome to the July of No Gains. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve made gains this summer. Incredible gains. I have learned that one cannot unload the dishwasher and assume that no screaming means the toddler is playing with her puzzles. The more likely answer is that said toddler has discovered how to open the front door and let the dogs out. Dear, dear children. I have learned that The Arabian Nights is not such the easy read that I expected. Stories within stories within stories can get a little confusing at times. Wait, you mean Cabib is Agib’s father who didn’t know Zobeide? But I thought the fourth calendar–what do you mean there’s no fourth calendar without an eye? I am learning that my love for philosophy is kind of a disease. Descartes, Pascal, ahhh! The addiction to the morphine never ends. It’s tearing away at my skin like leprosy. (which in the biblical sense can refer to several diseases of the skin, not only leprosy) I am learning, that I actually enjoy being a nerd. And I learned that I am from everywhere and nowhere at all once.

So it has been a profitable summer. The entire month at home has been quite the experience. Who knew what five weeks could do to the psyche? Freckled and thinner and healthier and curlier. It has been quite a summer.

But really. This is all nonsense. I wanted to get out. I wanted to go. I wanted to be somewhere. I hoped for Darfur (Blair!), I hoped for Turkey, I hoped for Niger, I hoped for North Africa, I hoped for Mexico, I hoped for North Africa again. All to no avail. It’s like the room we got at school. Gokner and I told God that we would take whatever room on the floor he gave to us. We told him that we would trust him and do what he wanted. We told him we would even take 352 if that was his wish.

We just never expected to get room 352. We never expected him to take a seriously.

I told God I would be happy with his plans for the summer. I do adore Julie and Coy and Bailey. I do love money to afford school. I do love relaxation and dozens of books. Yet, I never expected this to be it. I was waiting for something. I mean, God would spring something on me right? Maybe Bolivia, or Ukraine, or Saudi Arabia for crying out loud! I’d have gladly worn that burkha. But no. The answer came in today. The answer was no.

Come on! I’m ready here! I could be packed tomorrow! I would go to the Merci tribe! I would sit in the bush! I could be packed in an hour! You know I could! I’m so impatient, because I’m so ready!

But I’m trying. I really am trying to understand this patience thing you seem to be so big on. I told you I would be happy, that I would be content to be in the center of your will. I am most days. Search me and know me. I loved yesterday. I loved this morning. It’s just this past hour that’s been bad. I really am trying.

So I guess I’m learning about mystery too. Because I can’t understand why. And I know I won’t ever understand why. So I’m learning. At least I recognize that I won’t ever understand. At least I’m slowly becoming okay with that.

It’s slow going though.

But then, you always did like patience.

 

social darwinism

Dear Dr. Davis

tomorrow I will be turning in to you something akin to a rough draft of my paper. I have to confess that I don’t really know what to be writing about, and I don’t know that I am doing a good job at making this argument. But tomorrow is Friday and after weeks of working on this paper, I am pretty exhausted. I’m ready to be done and if we are genetically predisposed to either laziness of a drive for good grades…. well usually I would fall within the latter, but tonight I am of the former. Take that Somit and Peterson.

This email isn’t really important. I just wanted to give you a heads up. It’s a pretty muddy paper, but I can’t do anything about it. There is no one to edit it, and I have no energy left to put much more work into it. At this point, so long as I pass through the course, I will be okay with (mostly) whatever grade I recieve. I just want to be done.

 

Virginia Tech

You know, this whole thing is really weird.

 My dad went to Virginia Tech. He lived in that dorm on the same floor, on the opposite wing.

I thought about going to Tech, but I didn’t because it isn’t liberal arts, it’s a technical school.

And I’m just so frustrated with God. He had two hours. Two hours. And God did nothing.

Why.

And no one can tell me.