Conundrums.

I am sitting in the library. I’m three (ish) weeks from my college graduation. There’s a woman speaking Russian behind me. I had a delicious dinner. Caitlin bought us study treats. I have plans for Friday night, or at least, tenative plans. I have an internship if I want it, and million opportunities that God simply has yet to reveal.

But I’m sitting here, and I could burst into tears. I read an old friend’s blog and I miss him. I miss him so much. But it’s not just him. Robb, yes, is very important to me, no matter how much we laugh about him since he’s been gone. But I miss more than just him. I miss the times when I was just a college student with endless dreams of changing the world. I want to return to the first days of dating Twaan when it was fresh and exciting. Or even the days spent at his house last year, crying on the floor from stress and fear but knowing comfort. I miss running every day, I miss being wanted by others. It has been a long time since I have felt known or understood.

The lights in the library are glaring overhead. I should be doing homework. I ought to savor my education the way that I hypocritically claim others do not. Instead, I am just sitting here, staring at a computer screen full of webpages, documents, and nearly endless possibilities.

I feel like the existentialist was right. I’m floundering in the tension of finitude and the infinite. I’ve gone too far in one direction and now I’m drowning in despair that comes from failing to maintain the balance. The trouble is, I don’t know which end of the spectrum I ran towards, and I don’t know when or how. I only know that I did it at break-neck speed, becuase I don’t remember the journey, I just know that I am here.

Maybe the weekend will cheer me up. We’re going backpacking. Maybe the time spent away will introduce me to God, remind me of who I am and where my identity comes from. I’m left alone so much, even in a crowd, and I can never seem to find God when I’m looking. But maybe with the rushing river, the green haze between the trees and ferns, maybe the crystal of the water and the ethereal feeling one experiences when standing in a cloud and watching it pass over mountains, maybe that will show me God again.

In the meantime. I’m trying to remember the good time of this past year and realize that I have come to a new place, and I am doing much better. And I am working to remember those times without this “if only” perspective that does nothing but damage me and my relationships. Perhaps, as Peter Bohler suggested to John Wesley, I should preach faith until I have it… I should act and live as though things were as I wished, and I felt the way that I long for.

 

Woohoo!

I got offered an internship today! It’s so exciting, it’s with a missions group that I think I would really love to work with. The position is really open as they’ve never had an intern before. It would be very fluid, and I could try a lot of things, but eventually hone in on anywhere they need help that really interests me.

I think this could be a great opportunity for me. The woman I’d be working with, Kathie, seems incredibly flexible which is so helpful for my dysfunctional summer schedule. The biggest struggle right now is whether or not I want to leave Colorado. So much of me has been planning to go back, have a break and rest from my time at school. I’ve been looking forward to that time with my parents, our community and a certain family that has become very dear to my heart in the past months. I would love this position, and I think I would love the people I would get to work with. But at the same time, I would love to go home, I would love to be mentored by Ghena, and I would love the comfort of some familiarity.

But whateer is in God’s will for me, that’s what I want to do. If you’ll keep me in your prayers as I try to make this decision, I would so so appreciate it. It’s difficult to have to choose between two great opportunities. But I’m so thankful and excited to have been offered this internship!

 

I’m sitting in the library

without shoes on. I didn’t wear shoes today. Oh no, I wore my galoshes. The brown ones with aqua blue/teal coloured polka dots. Yep, those ones. Because it is drizzling quite steadily today. And at one point, if you stood really quietly in the wlak in closet in Anna and Caitlin’s room, it sounded like rats were running on the roof.

at least, that’s what Caitlin says. I’ve never heard rats running on the roof.

But galoshes, let me tell you, are horribly uncomfortable after sitting at a desk in the library for 3.5 hours. NOw I’m just waiting for Caitlin to finish up whatever she’s working on (nursing? Anatomy? UFDN? Stats?) and then we’ll head home, just as the library closes.

It’s so awe inspiring to me, to sit in this building surrounded by so many books. for a couple reasons: we write books and books and books, and what do we even do with our lives but read other people’s books and then critique them and then write our own? Really, I am at this point in my life where I am all about action. I can’t talk theology with people anymore. I’m tired of talking and reading and writing. I want to go out and live. Second, holy cow! There are a lot of books, and none of them say the exact same thing! We have so much going on in our heads, so many things to say, and we are finite beings! How many books could God write? A LOT! Third, how much money do we spend on these books, and how could that go to so many other people in so many different ways? Not that all the books we have is wrong, I think it’s good to be educated and learned. But really, I think it’s interesting to imagine all the ways this money could have been spent outside of these books. We did this in my political/economic development class today. Did you know, that with the money we’ve spent on the war in Iraq, we could have bought everyone on the planet an iPod? I’m not discounting the good things done in Iraq, but still. That’s just an interesting way to look at the money, and think of it.

that’s all folks. I got nothin else. The library closes in 12 minutes. They just flashed the lights again. I think they want us to leave. They want to kick us back out into the rain.

Where did my galoshes go?

 

Well at least I’m doing something

I am learning quite a bit about patience this summer.

I have been kicking and screaming since about…April. Welcome to July dearheart. Welcome to the July of No Gains. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve made gains this summer. Incredible gains. I have learned that one cannot unload the dishwasher and assume that no screaming means the toddler is playing with her puzzles. The more likely answer is that said toddler has discovered how to open the front door and let the dogs out. Dear, dear children. I have learned that The Arabian Nights is not such the easy read that I expected. Stories within stories within stories can get a little confusing at times. Wait, you mean Cabib is Agib’s father who didn’t know Zobeide? But I thought the fourth calendar–what do you mean there’s no fourth calendar without an eye? I am learning that my love for philosophy is kind of a disease. Descartes, Pascal, ahhh! The addiction to the morphine never ends. It’s tearing away at my skin like leprosy. (which in the biblical sense can refer to several diseases of the skin, not only leprosy) I am learning, that I actually enjoy being a nerd. And I learned that I am from everywhere and nowhere at all once.

So it has been a profitable summer. The entire month at home has been quite the experience. Who knew what five weeks could do to the psyche? Freckled and thinner and healthier and curlier. It has been quite a summer.

But really. This is all nonsense. I wanted to get out. I wanted to go. I wanted to be somewhere. I hoped for Darfur (Blair!), I hoped for Turkey, I hoped for Niger, I hoped for North Africa, I hoped for Mexico, I hoped for North Africa again. All to no avail. It’s like the room we got at school. Gokner and I told God that we would take whatever room on the floor he gave to us. We told him that we would trust him and do what he wanted. We told him we would even take 352 if that was his wish.

We just never expected to get room 352. We never expected him to take a seriously.

I told God I would be happy with his plans for the summer. I do adore Julie and Coy and Bailey. I do love money to afford school. I do love relaxation and dozens of books. Yet, I never expected this to be it. I was waiting for something. I mean, God would spring something on me right? Maybe Bolivia, or Ukraine, or Saudi Arabia for crying out loud! I’d have gladly worn that burkha. But no. The answer came in today. The answer was no.

Come on! I’m ready here! I could be packed tomorrow! I would go to the Merci tribe! I would sit in the bush! I could be packed in an hour! You know I could! I’m so impatient, because I’m so ready!

But I’m trying. I really am trying to understand this patience thing you seem to be so big on. I told you I would be happy, that I would be content to be in the center of your will. I am most days. Search me and know me. I loved yesterday. I loved this morning. It’s just this past hour that’s been bad. I really am trying.

So I guess I’m learning about mystery too. Because I can’t understand why. And I know I won’t ever understand why. So I’m learning. At least I recognize that I won’t ever understand. At least I’m slowly becoming okay with that.

It’s slow going though.

But then, you always did like patience.

 

Dear Goknertap

This sucks.

I miss you. Please, skip camp and come visit me in Colorado. I mean, it isn’t all that bad. My kids are super fun, even if they are both ganging up on me and crushing me in “Risk.” Bailey and I played in her pool yesterday. The walls fill up with water and have holes that shoot out the cool blue liquid.

I wrote about seven pages yesterday. It was lovely.

I cleaned my room and went through my first box. You know that book I borrowed from Lauren? About ending global poverty? Well it’s one of three books I’m reading right now, so I’m still in the introduction… But it really convicted me. I need to get rid of all my junk, you know? I don’t understand how I could have accumulated so much junk over one year. And it wasn’t even a year!

Isn’t that interesting? It was barely nine months, but my life has moved on so much. I don’t understand. Gok, how is it that we went so deep so fast in only nine months? Is it possible for me to do that with people here at home? I’m going back to school in three months, though, so is it even worth it? But these people were my life until last August. I still cry when I watch the Costa Rica dvd. So I guess, in some ways… they still are my life.

But you are my life now. Our emo-ness and crazy headbanging. 352 and 378 is my life. And so is Karin, and the craziness of Amanda and August. Kelliega cheers me up, always. With Kayti I can go on long walks, swear when a car tries to run us off the road. Sarah… ah Muktuk. What can be said? Krysta and Natalie and Katie and JJ. Seattle is my life. SPU is my life.

I never thought I would say it… I even miss Nick’s whinning.

Jesus come quickly.

(I am your friend… I just don’t have time for you)
sara

 

questions and the line

In one of my classes we’ve been discussing popular culture and trying to find truth in it. But the question inevitably comes up: Can we find the truth of God in popular culture, especially postmodernism? Or its cousin: should we even try? Because if you look hard enough, can’t you read into everything enough to find truth in anything?

At coffee this morning we discussed whether or not you can draw a line. And if so, what is in and what is out.

We didn’t come to a conclusion. I feel that most of our conversations end this way, open ended and wondering. Why does the truth lie? Where are the answers to our questions? Are there answers to the questions? I’m beginning to come to some conclusions. I’m still working through this all, meditating on it, chewing on it, reading up and talking it out.

There really can’t be much of a strict line. I don’t see something drawn on the ground at the movie theatre: Christians, cross this line and God will strike you down. I dont’ think it would do very well at reaching the not-yet-believers. Not that we are concerned purely with numbers and conversions. There is the growing and mentoring and learning that must happen. So at coffee we did some of that. Without really saying it we decided there isn’t a “line.” Especially concerning movies.

Por ejemplo: Braveheart is rated R. A conservative Christian might tell you, due to the rating it’s a terrible movie, not worth the money and certainly not something good people will put into their minds. But what about the movie Fat Albert rated only PG? Is that edifying to the Christian mind with its crude humour and stereotypes? Most people would agree not. But Braveheart with a consistent show of fighting for what is right, living with honour, sacrifice, and love, these are good things that the movie teaches. Yes, it has much violence and some sex, however these things can be fast forwarded for younger, more immature audiences–and still the message rings true.

So Braveheart is a fine movie despite the R rating, where as Fat Albert at PG is not.

And then you have movies like 300 and that deserves its R and isn’t worth anyone’s time or money due to all the gratuitous sex and violence. Do you see what I mean? There isn’t a line. It takes incredible discernment to live in this world and try to understand what we can fee into our minds and what should be avoided. Television (LOST or Everybody Loves Raymond?), movies, music, advertising, we have a plethera of things to work through and try to find what is good, pure and edifying and worth our time and mental cravings.

and then we talked about chick flicks. the conversation was all down hill from there. (I think I hear my laundry calling)

shalom

sara

 

Virginia Tech

You know, this whole thing is really weird.

 My dad went to Virginia Tech. He lived in that dorm on the same floor, on the opposite wing.

I thought about going to Tech, but I didn’t because it isn’t liberal arts, it’s a technical school.

And I’m just so frustrated with God. He had two hours. Two hours. And God did nothing.

Why.

And no one can tell me.