This Summer

This summer is looking like a whirlwind.

Not even two weeks ago, I got in touch with a high school friend of my brother’s. He does work with a group called The Boaz Project. They serve orphanages in Russia and India. Today I had a conference call with David (my brother’s friend) and the two founders of the organization: Jim and April Jurgensen. It was a fantastic conversation in which I managed not to ramble to much. At the end I was invited to go on a trip with them to Russia at the end of August.

This opportunity is huge. I have been dreaming of serving in Russia for years. It’s amazing how God has literally dropped this in my lap when I wasn’t looking. The timing of it all, the way that this fits me in so many areas, the fact that they have a trip available for me to join, so many things have fallen into place. David said in an email today that it is crazy, but it can only be the Lord at work. I am so overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I hardly know what to feel. There’s nervous anxiety–what if things don’t work out? There’s some dread–what if I discover my dreams really aren’t what God had planned or what I had hoped for? But over all this, there is excitement and trust.

Would you pray with me about this?

I need a visa–and I have a short time frame for that.

I need strength and energy as I am preparing not only for Russia but also 5 weeks in France prior to that.

I need God’s love and patience for those around me who may not understand why I am doing this. I want to treat them with honour and respect, but it can be difficult when it seems that people are putting their grimy toes on your dreams.

More than anything, please pray that I would be sensitive and obedient to God’s will in this.

more info? http://boazproject.org or email me.

 

Conundrums.

I am sitting in the library. I’m three (ish) weeks from my college graduation. There’s a woman speaking Russian behind me. I had a delicious dinner. Caitlin bought us study treats. I have plans for Friday night, or at least, tenative plans. I have an internship if I want it, and million opportunities that God simply has yet to reveal.

But I’m sitting here, and I could burst into tears. I read an old friend’s blog and I miss him. I miss him so much. But it’s not just him. Robb, yes, is very important to me, no matter how much we laugh about him since he’s been gone. But I miss more than just him. I miss the times when I was just a college student with endless dreams of changing the world. I want to return to the first days of dating Twaan when it was fresh and exciting. Or even the days spent at his house last year, crying on the floor from stress and fear but knowing comfort. I miss running every day, I miss being wanted by others. It has been a long time since I have felt known or understood.

The lights in the library are glaring overhead. I should be doing homework. I ought to savor my education the way that I hypocritically claim others do not. Instead, I am just sitting here, staring at a computer screen full of webpages, documents, and nearly endless possibilities.

I feel like the existentialist was right. I’m floundering in the tension of finitude and the infinite. I’ve gone too far in one direction and now I’m drowning in despair that comes from failing to maintain the balance. The trouble is, I don’t know which end of the spectrum I ran towards, and I don’t know when or how. I only know that I did it at break-neck speed, becuase I don’t remember the journey, I just know that I am here.

Maybe the weekend will cheer me up. We’re going backpacking. Maybe the time spent away will introduce me to God, remind me of who I am and where my identity comes from. I’m left alone so much, even in a crowd, and I can never seem to find God when I’m looking. But maybe with the rushing river, the green haze between the trees and ferns, maybe the crystal of the water and the ethereal feeling one experiences when standing in a cloud and watching it pass over mountains, maybe that will show me God again.

In the meantime. I’m trying to remember the good time of this past year and realize that I have come to a new place, and I am doing much better. And I am working to remember those times without this “if only” perspective that does nothing but damage me and my relationships. Perhaps, as Peter Bohler suggested to John Wesley, I should preach faith until I have it… I should act and live as though things were as I wished, and I felt the way that I long for.

 

I know, I broke a promise…

…I didn’t write a long list about what I learned last quarter. Instead, my spring break was spent eating delicious food, hanging with friends, sitting for about 6 hours in a window seat staring at the sun, baking (in a kitchen with no one hovering), and sorting through old baby clothes. It was reflective, relaxing and beautiful.

One thing I did explore over Spring Break was my heart towards some difficult people that God has placed in my life. I’m ashamed to admit that I am not hte most forgiving person. I think if I had space and distance, that would make it easier to let go and move on. Unfortunately, at college, there’s no such things as space. Everyone seems to be walking in and out of my life each day with no reprieve. I’m learning what it means to love generously even when it takes up my precious time and how to let go of things that have hurt me (and love that person tangibly in the middle of that process). It isn’t easy.

I joined a “community group” at our church recently. On Monday night I talked to the leader for a long time and he said some things that I needed to hear. I almost started crying, and I’ve known the man barely over a week! It was amazing the amount that God said to me through him, and he didn’t even realize it.

This quarter, I’m also applying for jobs. I have to figure out my life now, which is both exciting and daunting. Right now I’m hoping to return to Colorado. I realized over Spring Break how much I miss it. I never have thought of anywhere as “home” until two weeks ago when I stepped off the plane and marched cheerfully to the train. I giggled at the sunshine pouring in the huge windows of DIA, and I think I clapped my hands in the car for joy over the wide open spaces. But at the same time, I am being open to where else God might take me. I’m looking forward to eagerly finding out whatever plan he has–Idaho, Colorado, Oregon–wherever and whatever! Maybe it’s the sunshine and the flowers in bloom and the trees blossoming: I have rarely felt more optimistic in my life.

 

I am sitting in the library (again)

I should be working on a paper. I have about 1 page of 4. It’s on the gift of Tongues. I’m writing about Acts vs 1 Corinthians. It’s been an interesting week of intense research, I have never read so many commentaries on Acts or 1 Corinthians 14. Calvin, Barnes, ICC, New Bible Commentary, and then there’s all the ish by Pentecostals and Cessasionists. I have six books in front of me, and notes from three more on my lap top that I am using. I have two footnotes and a title page.

I also need to go, now. But I dont want to. There is so, so much to do right now. So much has to get done before next week. You could pray about htat for me. I would appreciate it. There simply isn’t enough time in the world, and I feel so incredibly unmotivated. I just want to sip lattes, make chai, be friends with people, and ignore time.

Spring break is so soon, though. So soon. I am quite literally living on the strength of Jesus. Someday I will make a list of all the things I’ve learned this quarter. It’ll be a doo-zy.

oh shoot. crap. my paper is supposed to be double spaced. which means, I have 2 of 4 pages done. I haven’t even started 1 Corinthians. this is bad. there is not going to be enough space for everything.

 

It’s a New Year!

Hello out there!

It’s a New Year, and my computer is running slower than ever.

Break was wonderful, I spent most of it in Colorado, but about a week was spent with Anthony’s family traveling around the Northwest. It was so great and relaxing–just what my heart and mind needed. I certianly wasn’t ready to come back to university and start back up with classes and homework again.

Colorado was a time of real healing and confirmation in a lot of ways. I was supposed to work a bunch, but that ended up not working out, for various reasons. Obviously, God wanted me to take a break, and learn to trust him to provide for my needs financially. I had a lot of time to knit, read books, drink lots of hot chocolate, and just spend time with my family. It was exactly what I needed, and I didn’t even realize it. I love my parents even more than I already did, and I realize how blessed I am to have such a good relationship with both of them.

The Northwest was a lot more activity, but still very good. Anthony and I had some time to ourselves, usually on walks or drives through the cute downtown of the area we stayed. But we also had a lot of time with all of his family, and that was good too. Plenty of card games, some Wii fit, and movies all made for a really good time getting to know people better.

Overall, the people I spent break with meant a lot to me. They were incredibly affirming, something I didn’t realize I was lacking in until four weeks ago. It was a huge blessing to be surrounded by people who cared about me, and to be encouraged a lot in my relationship with Anthony–it can be awkward being the only couple in our group of friends.

I don’t have much else to say. I’m back at the grindstone. I’m researching again this quarter, taking a heavy load, mentoring for a freshmen class, and trying to maintain relationships even as I’m prepping for graduation this year. break was a very encouraging time, a really boost which I think I needed to get me through the next couple of quarters.

I love you all. I hope that your New Year is full of blessings and laughter.

sara

 

I’m sitting in the library

without shoes on. I didn’t wear shoes today. Oh no, I wore my galoshes. The brown ones with aqua blue/teal coloured polka dots. Yep, those ones. Because it is drizzling quite steadily today. And at one point, if you stood really quietly in the wlak in closet in Anna and Caitlin’s room, it sounded like rats were running on the roof.

at least, that’s what Caitlin says. I’ve never heard rats running on the roof.

But galoshes, let me tell you, are horribly uncomfortable after sitting at a desk in the library for 3.5 hours. NOw I’m just waiting for Caitlin to finish up whatever she’s working on (nursing? Anatomy? UFDN? Stats?) and then we’ll head home, just as the library closes.

It’s so awe inspiring to me, to sit in this building surrounded by so many books. for a couple reasons: we write books and books and books, and what do we even do with our lives but read other people’s books and then critique them and then write our own? Really, I am at this point in my life where I am all about action. I can’t talk theology with people anymore. I’m tired of talking and reading and writing. I want to go out and live. Second, holy cow! There are a lot of books, and none of them say the exact same thing! We have so much going on in our heads, so many things to say, and we are finite beings! How many books could God write? A LOT! Third, how much money do we spend on these books, and how could that go to so many other people in so many different ways? Not that all the books we have is wrong, I think it’s good to be educated and learned. But really, I think it’s interesting to imagine all the ways this money could have been spent outside of these books. We did this in my political/economic development class today. Did you know, that with the money we’ve spent on the war in Iraq, we could have bought everyone on the planet an iPod? I’m not discounting the good things done in Iraq, but still. That’s just an interesting way to look at the money, and think of it.

that’s all folks. I got nothin else. The library closes in 12 minutes. They just flashed the lights again. I think they want us to leave. They want to kick us back out into the rain.

Where did my galoshes go?

 

Prayer Request

Hi all.

school is going well. I just got back from yet another awesome trip to Vancouver. This one was just for two nights, which is obviously very disappointing. I always want it to be longer. But it was still AMAZING becuause my best friend flew in to visit her brother and sister in law (Twaan was the best man in their wedding) so it’s a super small world, and it was wonderful to see her.

it’s been hard coming back. I am struggling with things at my apartment. I’m also having a hard time with God/Christianity. I just feel like I am surrounded by hypocrites (myself included). It makes me want to drop this whole faith thing and move on. I’m not going to, obviously. I still love Abba and Jesus and I think that everything the Lord does is great. But I am still incredibly frustrated by the church, and all of the failures. We have lots of holy books on the shelves of my apartment and yet, I feel like none of it has impacted us.

it is driving me NUTS.

I’ve also had some roller coaster emotional days and am having a difficult time controlling my thought life. Basically, I’m exhausted and feel all over the place emotionally. I want even my internal thought life to bring glory to God, and lately, I’m pretty sure it’s falling quite short of that.

on the sunny side of the street, Twaan and one of his roommates and I have decided to get together on a regular basis and talk about spiritual stuff. We are also going to attend Prayer and Communion every Friday monring together. I’m really excited for this. I already felt better tonight after hanging out with them once. See? It’s amazing the things that God can do in one evening. Glory be.

 

The lights of ballard, fremont and wallingford

are all outside my window.

I haven’t much to say. Portland was fun. We stayed with Caleb and Kat and helped them pack up. And then we moved them in to Jared and Teresa’s. These are the kinds of people that I love. Jared and Teresa have taken Kat and Caleb in for a few months. Then, Josh and Jonathon are in between leases so they have moved in for 10 days. Jana is coming to visit in a couple weeks, and of course, Twaan and I will be back down for that.

All the while Teresa makes chocolate dipped strawberries in the kitchen and delicious chocolate chip scones. I even get scolded for doing dishes.

This is generosity. And hospitality.

Classes started up a couple days ago. It’s been okay. I like them all, it’s just a really random mix. My Marxism class is a strange group of philosophy, sociology, psych, sociology, latin american studies, business, and, oh yeah, the token polisci majors. Like me. What? How did that happen?

Tonight I had an “intense dark mocha” with a shot of hazelnut. Twaan brought it to me, after I called him. I was having a bad night, and my wonderful pacar came all the way down the hill to me. He took me to the canal, gave me delicious coffee from Tully’s and sat with me as we watched a tug boat push a barge down through the black water.

Now it is late. Nick just left, after a nearly completed crossword. I’m listening to Celtic music, and the sound of Kelsie texting. And I can see all of ballard, the canal, fremont, and wallingford from our windows. Today is a better day. Or a better night, after a rollercoaster day.

Thanks to Jesus.

Thanks to Twaan.

(And thanks to Will, and his delicious mochas…)

 

You Know? I kind of like the exercise-ball-as-chair-phenomenon

It’s true. It’s starting to grow on me. Not to mention all these nifty exercises that Kelsie taught me. Which is handy, because my normal situps just weren’t hurting enough recently. But these moves on the exercise ball, well, they really help me satiate my masochistic tendencies. Ha.

Anyway. Nothing to say, I’m just really trying to make good on the promise to update. I’m thinking that once classes actually start, I will probably only post once a week. None of this three posts a week nonesense. That simply won’t do when I have things going on other grocery shopping and a million emails for MuKappa.

I’m leaving tomorrow for Portland/Vancouver. I”m excited, but also really nervous. Would you mind praying? I’m nervous for lots of reasons. A. I’m always a bit nervous about new modes of transportation. I’m taking the bus to meet Twaan before we catch the train down. I’ll just feel better once I meet up with him downtown. B. I’m nervous to spend this much concentrated time with all of Twaan’s friends. Granted, I actually know two of them from Colorado–but those are actually the ones who make me most nervous. C. I’ve been doing much better lately at this whole relationship thing, but I still have moments where I freak out about commitment and long term things. I feel like this being the third trip to Portland/Vancouver says something about me being committed. Don’t get me wrong–I am. But things in the future still make me nervous. (Like: oh my gosh. I have to get a job and be responsible and be on my own this time next year. hello? this realization=terrifying)

so if you’ll pray that God would just give me peace and encouragement for all these things, that would be great. We’ve been doing pretty good, me and God. I’m more trusting lately, and I don’t freak as much. But still. I have moments. (I guess we all do, though)

 

Hi Again

He told me what it was.

I mean, it was lots of things. It was a whole bunch of stuff that I was holding onto.

But the future one was definitely it. Just, not exactly. God does want me to let go of my future plans, and let him handle it all. But those plans are far distant from the onese I was really holding onto with tigthly clenched fists. Nope. He had things a bit sooner in mind.

Like apply to be the SPU equivalent of an RA next year.

Which is a quarter long process. So if you don’t mind praying, that would be nice.

ciao mis hermanos. Ustedes son en los manos de Dios.

sara beth.