I am sitting in the library. I’m three (ish) weeks from my college graduation. There’s a woman speaking Russian behind me. I had a delicious dinner. Caitlin bought us study treats. I have plans for Friday night, or at least, tenative plans. I have an internship if I want it, and million opportunities that God simply has yet to reveal.

But I’m sitting here, and I could burst into tears. I read an old friend’s blog and I miss him. I miss him so much. But it’s not just him. Robb, yes, is very important to me, no matter how much we laugh about him since he’s been gone. But I miss more than just him. I miss the times when I was just a college student with endless dreams of changing the world. I want to return to the first days of dating Twaan when it was fresh and exciting. Or even the days spent at his house last year, crying on the floor from stress and fear but knowing comfort. I miss running every day, I miss being wanted by others. It has been a long time since I have felt known or understood.

The lights in the library are glaring overhead. I should be doing homework. I ought to savor my education the way that I hypocritically claim others do not. Instead, I am just sitting here, staring at a computer screen full of webpages, documents, and nearly endless possibilities.

I feel like the existentialist was right. I’m floundering in the tension of finitude and the infinite. I’ve gone too far in one direction and now I’m drowning in despair that comes from failing to maintain the balance. The trouble is, I don’t know which end of the spectrum I ran towards, and I don’t know when or how. I only know that I did it at break-neck speed, becuase I don’t remember the journey, I just know that I am here.

Maybe the weekend will cheer me up. We’re going backpacking. Maybe the time spent away will introduce me to God, remind me of who I am and where my identity comes from. I’m left alone so much, even in a crowd, and I can never seem to find God when I’m looking. But maybe with the rushing river, the green haze between the trees and ferns, maybe the crystal of the water and the ethereal feeling one experiences when standing in a cloud and watching it pass over mountains, maybe that will show me God again.

In the meantime. I’m trying to remember the good time of this past year and realize that I have come to a new place, and I am doing much better. And I am working to remember those times without this “if only” perspective that does nothing but damage me and my relationships. Perhaps, as Peter Bohler suggested to John Wesley, I should preach faith until I have it… I should act and live as though things were as I wished, and I felt the way that I long for.